昨日。今日。明日。即座に。永遠に。

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Eternally. Instantly.

These are the words that come to mind when I am asked, by myself or anyone else about memories of my grandfather. It's been three years now since he left us, yet I know in my heart, he will never truly be gone. When I look at the better parts of myself, I see him. When I look out across a room filled with family, he is there. He's made sure that he will always be with us. That was his plan and out of all the great things that he was in life, being a good liar was not a skill he ever cared to master. I'll not make one of him now and I'll gladly challenge the person that tries, as far as they'd like to take the matter. People of less faith often speak of memory and experience as the definition of what it means to be mortal; the soul of the soul, if you will. Even when sterilized to such base terms, he is still very much here, now, with all of us, as planned.

I miss him so very, very much. I realize that this descriptor sounds very generic, but I have not the proper words to describe the sense of incompletion I drown in at times in his immediate absence. But when I ask myself what it is that so pine away for, my thoughts break. I've had a few dreams filled with his wisdom and love. I carry the marks of thoughtfulness and thoroughness he instilled on me. Everyday I endeavor to inch closer to being the well of patience that he was a shining example of. I've found that understanding 'why' is immeasurably more important than knowing 'how'. I've let my faith take me back to the place of peace and harmony that he always said it would be... still, something hides from me; maybe I hide from it. Instead of continuing to dance around it, I've written the following.


Dear Granddad,

Life has been well, as of late. I'm sure you know by now that I realize you were right about, well, everything. It's been a hard pill for me to swallow, even though I knew what had to be done. I also am well aware that you have no sympathy for that, but I can't help but feel like you get a kick out of the light bulb blinking on above my head. Maybe this was one of your favorite sports where I am concerned. In any event, things in life are starting to smooth out greatly. This is not to say that things are easy, because they are not, but each day, life gets better.

I guess just wanted to apologize for being such a prideful, hard headed kid. I've had to let go of that part of myself to make any kind of progress and, tell you the truth, it feels good. Frankly, they were skills that were misused. It's fine to be hard headed, if it means keeping a hold of your resolve and doing the best you can for a family you are proud of, and proud to do it. But you already knew that too. We all watched you do it and why I never got that lesson until now, I'll never be quite sure. Maybe I was a bit too spoiled, maybe I'm just a really late bloomer.

I know you didn't approve of much that I did as a young adult, but it seems you know me well enough to let me fall down far enough that I'd have to pick my self back up. It's my own foolishness that led us both to miscalculate exactly how far down that point actually was. I let a lot of people down in that fall and I know you're on the top of that list. I can't take any of it back, but I can do better.

Not many people know this, but when we rewired my brother's house, the time we spent working together was the first turning point in my life that I saw clearly. As we reworked the lighting circuit in the attic and you remarked that my workmanship had greatly improved, now that I was 'out in the wild'. I was glad you noticed. I was hoping that you would have. Later that day, we were discussing how to pull the new home run to the second floor bathroom and you asked me what my opinion was on how we should do it, I realized that for the first time in my life you genuinely wanted to know what I thought the best thing to do was. It wasn't a learning exercise, no seeing if I'd come up with what you already knew and it stands to this moment as the greatest compliment anyone has ever given me. I've let that kind of thinking and confidence lead my life these days and I realize, that was the lesson all along.

I could type all night of all that has happened since you've been gone, but I know you already know most of it. If you missed anything, just remember, I already admitted you were right. You always told me that I had so much potential, that I could do whatever I wanted in life and enjoy the rewards of it, as long as I am willing to do my part. The time for many of those opportunities may have passed by, yet  in leaving my foolishness behind, I've found that I am a good father, a devoted husband and man of more faith than I ever thought possible. Maybe I did choose the hardest of roads, but without the baggage, the view of the pass up ahead is beautiful. And underneath that crusty, opinionated drunk is the good, honest, hard working Mormon boy that I once was. And he still wants you to be proud of him, however rusty he is.

I'll see you as time goes by,

Zach B.

 

(originality posted Sept 9, 2013)